Posted by: addictmystory | March 22, 2012

3-22-12- Methadone and Opiate Hell

I have tossed and turned all night. My body feels like I have something in it that is trying to literally break free from under the skin. My skin feels as if it is bouncing. It is strange to know that no one else can see your skin moving, jumping, crawling, burning, but for you the person in withdrawal it is pure hell. I’m questioning so much in my life. In reading my journals I have been doing this even in the midst of my heaviest drug use days, but then I felt like I was not ready to make changes. Or that I could not maybe. Or that things would one day get better. And for periods of time I know I have been happy in my marriage, but now it just seems like a shell of what a marriage could be, should be. Is he gay? We have not had sex in 3 years, not even oral. Truth be told I once loved my husband heart and soul. This is why we tried a marriage therapist more than once, and saw one for a long time, but my husband always had topics he just would not open up about. Anyway, more important than all that how would the new me fit into the old us? Even with me cutting way back over the last 3 years our marriage suffered a hit and no that is not why he have not had sex as it was virtually non-existent before then too and I have tried all kinds of things to get that going….Well I did for years…but then the rejection became too much. Even our therapist never understood why he would with hold affection and attention etc…Anyway, off subject again.

I got up today at 4:00 AM, but I have been up since 2:00 AM…I finally just could not lay there hoping I would sleep. My body aches are so intense that I really would love to swallow a few of my prescription Percocet, but then in 2 or 3 hours I would want the same amount if not more and then by the end  of the day I would could have easily taken 15 or 20 – that is exactly what the old me would have done.

I did take my Methadone this morning. I am also mad some what at myself about how my detoxing off Methadone is going lately. For the last 1.5 years I gradually (on my own) came down from 160mg to 5mg….now I’m back up to about 10mg. Methadone is the hardest drug I have ever tried to stop taking in my life!!! Maybe it is because of the amount of time I have been on it. It will be 4 years sometime this year I believe…in another few months…But until recently about 5 months ago I had stopped taking other opiates with it. Which is methadone’s goal – to stop using Opiates. Well, 4 years later I can’t stop using Methadone and I picked up the pills again. Now the cycle starts again.

This is why I started now with my own detoxing program, reaching out to a community of people who know what it is like, we can help one another – so leave any helpful suggestions – you never know who you may help.

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Responses

  1. I’m wondering…is your situation a carbon copy of mine? Detox speaking I mean. I too started my detox @ roughly 160mgs. I am @ 40mgs/day now and go down 5mgs every 2 weeks. It’s getting pretty tuff now, but I have much going for me this time around. I too have started a blog. Drop by sometime and say hello.
    ismelltherain

    • I go back and forth on my views….if there was an honest place with a plan for getting people of this crap than I would be for it but like everything else it is a business. I never was placed on a plan. I was told I would know when I would be ready – yeah right!! I am an addict!!! I am never ready. I am finally just sick of the expense – sick of feeling like crap and sick of my body pulsing for more and more drugs all the time. I use to describe to my friends that feeling of of feeling like a magnet and no one ever got it – well no wonder – they were not addicts. Now I know why my body was doing that.
      I just landed a 6 figure job – and I’m still numb to the joy – I am so ready to feel true happiness. I really have no idea what I really am like. I have been so numb for so many years who knows who I am. I pray and I try to reach out to so many people every day and be that face in the mirror for them so they don’t have to make the mistakes I did – like the ads from the 80’s said, “no one plans to be a junkie”.

      Methadone did reduce my number of opiates used but here I am years later still hooked and and now probably worse than before…That is why these methadone outpaitent centers need to have a true plan for how long is acceptable for leaving people on this awful drug!!

      Good luck = I hoover b/w 10mg and 5mg…I’m hopeful one day I will be clean….but it seems like a lifetime away…However, I work at everyday.


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