Posted by: addictmystory | May 8, 2012

3 AM – May 8, 2012 (affairs, sex, Methadone, masterbating, detox)

Can’t sleep – no surprise there. Lower dose of the “orange pill” – Methadone. Body aches, short fused, and a headache.

Plus my mind is racing – I cannot shut it off. It is recalling every stupid thing I have ever done (or can remember doing). Plus my mind really loves to try to trick me – it really loves to tell me that I was having a blast getting high

One story is on a constant loop and it is the all time worse, lived two different lives with two different men for almost 3 years! Neither really knew about the other (more on that another night). One was a control freak who never used drugs – never had, so could not recognize when I was high. I would drink wine or vodka, so he assumed I was just buzzed from that – even when I passed out in his closet. Yeah, that is so normal.

The other was my husband. Coke head – loved to party!

It is very weird how the mind can live and operate in two totally different worlds….I knew I was playing with fire. I just never knew how much because I was such a “Train Wreak”!

Before these two men – there were others….I have always been a serial monogamous. Always – Always. Never a one stand. Which is strange considering all the drugs I have consumed and my appetite for men in general…..and sex. Plus I have always loved the occasional female but only for the pure shock factor or for the hell of it.

Methadone at times robbed me of sex cravings but never for very long….Now what it did do is not make me feel like masturbating – which did suck in a big way. Prior to Methadone I would masturbate everyday – usually a few times and then wham my desire was gone.

However, I am happy to report that my need is back now that my dose of Methadone is lower….and I have stayed away from any new sexual relationships for almost 3 years now…..Plus at this time I am pouring that energy into helping others – my other business – and myself and family – and my Spiritual self.

But honestly – I cannot wait  until the sober me can look out into the world with a new pair of eyes…I honestly can only imagine how great that day will be right now.  What will things look like to me? What will I like? Who will I really be? I see more and more of her everyday and I like her – so that is the best gift of all and one worth fighting for.

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