Posted by: addictmystory | May 15, 2012

5-15-12 (Tuesday)

Happy to report I took my advice and I started breaking the mold from my old patterns today to stop this pain…I know it will not stop right away, but at least it is a step in the correct direction. I signed up for two speaking engagements this week.

I will be speaking to a group of teens who have been kicked out of at least two group homes and are in danger of going to jail for their repeat drug violations with the law. Then the second group I am speaking to is parents and/or loved ones who do not understand why people use and/or continue to use drugs….You know the group that asks the question, “but why can’t let Johnny just stop using drugs then everything would be fine”?

Anyway, I also worked on myself…I contacted a head-hunter – I will have an interview soon. Maybe even this week. I love the people I work with but my health is declining each and every day that I stay….the first time this happened almost 12 years ago I ended up in the worst shape ever. My drug use became so bad that I was as high at 8AM on Monday as 2 AM on Friday…..Therefore, I am glad I saw a pattern developing now before I was got up in a habit all over again…It has taken me so long to get this far and I am be no means – clean or sober. Therefore, I do not need any thing that jeopardizes that no matter how good the money or nice the people. I have too much to live for and do…I have too many dreams and goals. I know I can do it – I will do it.

Please support me and all the others out there that need to hear your stories…share them hear or wherever – just share them….The DT’s suck, so we need all the tips and tricks you n



  1. Shoot girl, the DT’s are bad-plain and simple. It sucks, but like I just wrote to Ivy-it is pain we must endure to get the poison gone. If I had to list the secrets (which aren’t secrets) that help me bear it it would go like this: 1)Positive support system 2)Good sleep or rest (well, good as we can get in our situation) 3)Good diet w/ multivitamin 4)Exercise (while not overdoing) 5)and this maybe should be closer to #1, but absolutely no contact with outside forces that could derail my path to sobriety (ie:dealers, non changing addict friends/family). There will be a time when I will reach out and try and help them, but this is absolutely not that time. This time is about me and only me. 6)I surround myself with as much positive forces that I can. I find music to be one of the most fulfilling outside influences on me right now. This may sound corny, but I also try to make it a point to “notice” the most obscure beauties in everything around me. For me, the beach does so much (when I can get there) for all my senses. I don’t know if it’s the salt or just the absolute beauty that I’ve missed for so long. For so long I stayed couped up in a house eating cookies and cream BluBell, that I lost touch of all the small things I used to love. It’s just awesome rediscovering them all again.
    Look it, it ain’t easy, but I’ve just made up my mind…I do not ever want to go back to that place again. It’s a daily struggle 24/7/365, but to me, it’s worth it. I just love living too much.
    One other thing-I don’t know if I’m right about this, but I have always been one to believe that you have only a couple shots (at most) to make a complete change in your life. I’m not talking about things like a diet either. What I mean is a complete shift in the core of who we as humans are. For some, it comes when they get “saved by God”. I tried that, and it never worked. It was only when I believed “I” had the ability to change myself that I was able to turn the corner for real. I know that it will be “me” that will deal with repercussions if I fail, and that is a message that resonates within me. Does that mean I don’t believe there is a God-No, not necessarily. And I most certainly will never tell anyone that it is not right for them to believe they can be delivered. What I mean is only you know your life and only you know what resonates w/in you. Find it-grasp it-and let it pull you out of the shit. Now that I have rambled on for way longer than I needed, I have a screaming baby that needs some attn. Lol Take care of yourself-it will all be better soon enough. I’m bout to take a pic of my new 20mg bottle for my detox log. Yay!

    • I appreciate all your thoughtful advice. I guess we all have to find what works for us and grab hold….some people seek God, some seek family, some seek the ocean…etc…I love all the above and many more. Again, thank you for your thoughts and ideas….

      • No prob…just looked at it again and realized I never even mentioned my blog as being one of the positives. I cannot even begin to say what everyone that has posted (and even those that don’t) have meant to me. That blog absolutely keeps me honest. No fucking way in this world do I want to ever go there and have to tell “everyone” that I failed. But anyway, your welcome, and thx for all your posts and comments as well!

      • I certainly understand the blog piece…It really does help hold you accountable. I need to get a work-out partner so I do not let that area slip…I walk my dog most every morning but I really need to step it up with an actual partner so I would do more stretching….easy to back-slide when it is just yourself….But the blog helps me in too in the most important areas like yourself. I am really excited to see you pointed that out, excellent job mate!!!
        It is really great to read about someone doing so well….There were many reasons I was excited to leave the clinic world behind; one was because I never saw anyone actually getting off this crap. They would come close and then wham something would happen and the cycle would go round and round…..The biggest reasons I saw and still see for this is people hang around the same friends as before and well that just does not work very well. Then the other is the clinic its self-did little to nothing to actually encourage the person(s) to stay clean and get off methadone. The rules would change about how you could scale down and this would discourage people – right when you are most vulnerable (like what happened to you). The only difference is, you were head strong and really ready to get off this crap and make a difference for yourself. But what assholes; that they jerk people around like that….A simple phone call goes a long way with people. They expect their patients to know the rules but yet they can change them over night seemingly…Anyway, I know I get all worked up on the subject of methadone clinics….
        Thank you again for your always thoughtful and insightful posts – I love reading how you are breaking free from your addictions chains and seeing beauty in everything around… is truly very inspiring!! Rock on dude….

      • Girl, I know what you mean…if there is one thing that can get my blood boiling quickly it is those methadone clinics. The counselors there suck and many need counseling themselves. They use the (state) rules when they need an excuse to apply pressure, but otherwise ignore them. Uggghhh! Let me just stop. Damn, you up early this am. 🙂

      • I am always an early riser – weekends too….It is funny. I use to see the sun rise for a different reason and then crash whenever. Now I sit here with my dog and I think, “wow this is really cool.I hear the birds sing and it is truly cool.

        Oh, you are so right about them making the excuse about the state pressure. In all my years of attending do you know I never actually saw the state come by — not one time!!! It is amazing, it sounds like they really do all suck and you are also right about they need counseling.

      • Yep, mornings are best for sure! Bout to go wake everyone up for school/work. Have a great day!

      • You too — kick some more butt out there for all of us and I’ll do the same. I have already given myself my pep talk this morning!!! No go gettum!!

      • Oh I can assure you I’m gettin mine. I really can’t wait till I’m done and I post before and after pics (of me). Methadone clinics will never be able to explain that away. Even now, on 20mgs the diff. is SICK! 🙂

      • I too am excited to see those…My intake picture was something all those years ago. I have come along way and guess what – without the help of the clinic.

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