Posted by: addictmystory | May 15, 2012

Patterns & Goals (Breaking Free) 5-15-12

The last few weeks my mood has been so up and down. I think overall I have hidden my bad mood pretty well, but on the inside I have been restless – I have not really had cravings. But my level of pain has been a 10 out of 10. I also have not been doing Yoga and I also have been eating whatever…all in all letting myself float through my day. Putting on a happy face, but feeling really off. My sleep is almost none at all. I will sleep for a few hours at night and then just toss and turn. My mind has been racing. Goals and dreams have been on the forefront of my thoughts…but all seems so distant – almost just too hard to achieve with everything I have on my plate. Now my real self knows this is not true, but the old me loves to hold what I am becoming back.

I have realized when I was high and numb I really did not do anything new…I did not develop new hobbies or really go for my dreams. I accomplished what I knew I needed to basically survive at some level and then I stopped growing. Now that I am so close I do try new things all the time….painting, yoga, pilates, tennis, horseback riding, hiking, make jewelery, I assist others with employment at the homeless shelters, I work with youth to get them off of drugs or to never start, I work with rape victims, I work with victims of violence and/or abuse, I work with families in all these situations, but still something is holding me back recently and this is why my pain is so sever lately.

I realized after I re read my journals last night….I am not happy professionally and I spend 10 hours a day trying to be. However, I am not happy so this pattern I have of pretending is creating havoc on my health – It is creating extra stress, tension, and pain in my body because I am not happy.

Even though, my current career provides me with an income etc that allows me to handle my other business I am starting – my own business and many, many, many other things I am not happy. No matter how many lists I make outlining the pros and cons; I will never be happy at my current company. It is not me. Before accepting this position I was doing so much better with my recovery – my health – my pain. I accepted an opportunity that was something like a bait and switch. It is not that bad, but close. It was not what the company said I would be doing, but I am not sure it would even matter.

Therefore, I need to break away from my past patterns of accepting this and falling into a trap of “numbing” myself.  Starting today I pledge to myself to seek employment elsewhere and work to change my career there while I am seeking to also leave.

It was an eye-opening moment to recognize that pattern – It did not lessen my pain. But it did tell me what I need to do before things get a lot worse.




  1. Great that you support others!!! Your blog is written with such passion and truth. I enjoyed reading all the posts – keep them coming. I know you can make it all the way to 0mg. You have a community that believes in you and a family that does too….plus I know you believe you and that is the greatest gift (besides God). Pray daily for strength. You can do it. And again thank you for helping others….If it matters….someone you spoke to two weeks ago in a meeting told me about your blog….and I jumped on tonight. I am glad I did. I will follow you now. For you are the real deal.

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