Posted by: addictmystory | May 19, 2012

Rage – (To the Point Where You Know Your Neck Vein is JUMPING…but at NOTHING)

Rage – (To the Point Where You Know Your Neck Vein is JUMPING…but at NOTHING)

I have got to understand why lately I can fly off the handle at nothing – I swear I can be fine and then WHAM!! PURE pissed off rage – it only lasts a few minutes – sometimes seconds. BUT WHY is it in me at all??? I really have never been one to get mad at someone unless provoked and then well you better watch out but not for no reason….now I am just sometimes angry and I feel bad about it. It always seems it is directed at the wrong most innocent people. Then I really feel that anger left in me – why am I so damn mad? It all seems to have started very recently??? What am I struggling with besides this freaking methadone?? Granted that is enough but is it because I am so uncomfortable? I know pain can make you really a bear but this is pure rage like if I did not really check myself I would just bash some ones head in – I think I need to take up boxing or kick boxing again but I am so freaking afraid that the pain would really send my body into more physical pain than I could really handle right now, but I have got to get this out of me – I cannot yell at people I love. Especially ones that only love me back and would never hurt me in a million years – never have – and would rather die before they would.

If anyone has similar issues with rage or anger who is also detoxing I would love to know – It is weird because I was raised to always stand up for yourself but like I said this is different – this is just Rage boiling in me and then it passes maybe for a day – maybe for few days….but lately I can always tell it not far from my me – almost like another layer of skin.

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Responses

  1. Heya, sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time 😦
    Maybe the methadone is enough to make that change in you. I’m not sure. Can you talk to people who know more about the effects of going on methadone and see if that is a common thing? Not necessarily people on it, but even whoever is providing it to you? Just a thought. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there, it sounds like you have a lot of people who are willing to support you and help you through this 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your reply – I brought my family to the clinic many, many, many times and they always said the same things, “That I would know when I was I ready to stop with the methadone”. The problem with an addict is – we never really like to feel much of anything and then by the time I was ready the physical pain of trying to stop has been just been terrible. I stopped everything else without any issues – and this one drug has been the worst mistake. I truly believe if they had not let me control how long I would remain on my methadone and had a plan of getting me off at a certain point – say a year and a half this blog would be written a lot different. But because it will be 5 years in October – well, that is just too long for a person who was a known opiate user to be on this drug. Now it really has me in a rock and a hard place.

      The people that write to me – inspire me (such as yourself, so thank you very much) and thank you for following my blog.

      All the Best to You and Yours,

  2. Yeah, from what I know, coming off of methadone is very hard. I don’t know what you are going through personally but I know it is possible for people to get through the pain and eventually stop, as excruciating as it is. And I hope you will be able to pull through it.

    My pleasure to follow your blog and write to you. Look forward to chatting more in the future 🙂

    • Thank you for the kind words. I have been trying for over 2 years now to kick this habit and I have gotten so close and I guess that is why I am soooooo surprised that I hurt so bad. It is not like I rushed the lowering of my dose…I did it very slow. I just will keep trying, praying, asking for others to pray for me, support me, and in general accept me for me 🙂

      I cannot wait to spend sometime on your blog – very impressive indeed!!!!

      • I can imagine that would be beyond frustrating. But for you to still keep fighting, when honestly, a whole lot of people would just give up, is amazing. I hope you realize your own strength 🙂

        And thanks! haha, I hope you enjoy your visit over in my neck of the woods 🙂

      • That gives me a great way to look at things – thank you. I like that. I like that a lot!!!

        As for your neck of the woods = I love it!! I cannot wait to look all around, so far it is such eye candy.

      • Hehe I’m glad you like the perspective 🙂
        And thank you for the compliments! Talk to you again soon!

      • Hey weird, I thought I was already following your blog? But it is set at “Follow” and not “following”. Strange. Will just click Follow again!


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