Posted by: addictmystory | May 19, 2012

Marilyn Monroe – Quote 5-19-12

Marilyn Monroe – Quote 5-19-12.

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Posted by: addictmystory | May 19, 2012

Marilyn Monroe – Quote 5-19-12

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”  ―    Marilyn Monroe

Posted by: addictmystory | May 19, 2012

Seven Things That Are Underrated (if you ask me)…

Seven Things That Are Underrated (if you ask me)….

Posted by: addictmystory | May 19, 2012

The Power of Denial and another Man’s Jealousy 5-19-12

One thing I know for certain is that people who never thought you could “kick the habit” can be your greatest motivator or your worst enemy. In my case, I think it is one of my greatest motivators. I have one person in particular that really loved me as his muse. I think this is particularly true because the more I stayed the same the more he never had to worry about me ever asking him to change, or questioning if he partied too much, drank too much, or should drive us home. What is really sad is that even as I did begin to slowly sober up I never pushed my ideas on him, but I did want him to help support me. He never really did. He never wanted to talk about what I was going through, he never wanted to discuss my withdrawal systems, my over the top drug use – even though he had been there for most of it; how could he really not have not known? Did he not see me popping the 80 to 100 pills a day? The doctor bills coming in? The insurance bills? He had to know – there is no way he could not know. I would take pills at that time to wake up, get through the day, to not eat, to stay awake, to party, to sleep, to come down, to crash, and this is how I existed for years – on top of all the pain medication. I had numerous car wreaks – none thank goodness were actually my fault but this only allowed me to get my hands on more meds and caused me to have more injuries to where in my mind I thought I needed more medication.

Throw this in with dating someone unhealthy for years and years – doing coke, 3 or 4 nights a week for years and rolling for years and wham no wonder I am the way I am! But that is not all, I use to smoke weed to come down from the blow, chug any kind of alcohol to come down, and usually load up on pain meds and Ambien to sleep a few hours before work. Therefore, how can this person claim they did not know I had a pill problem? And does it really matter because we both clearly had a problem? We were both drug abusers!! Plus no matter what I will always think he knew about my addiction. For example, he once found me passed out half undressed in my bathroom with the sink water running, I was in the middle of washing my face, but passed out during the face washing and luckily my pants belt loop got hung on one of the drawers, so I did not bust my face on the floor, but there I hung sort of upside down suspended in the air on my tip toes completely passed out. I had no idea until he showed me the pictures the next day. Yes, he took pictures. He went outside to his car for the digital camera and left me there hanging so he could take pictures…and guess what was beside me in the photos – my pill bottles. I guess DENIAL is a powerful thing.

Then, I think about all the times we both ate our “X” like Skittles or even turned our shrooms into brownies, tea, or into candy bars….my point in writing this is because this person still wants me to be the person in this note – and that person left 4 years ago. I have back slide a few times – not anywhere close to what I have written in this note and I never stopped drinking completely but I hope and pray that I have left the person in this note way behind. For if she ever resurfaced my life would end – I know it – I was so close to the end before and at those times I have been tempted by the “white lady” or “the love drug” or whatever drug; I think about the next day and the next day and for me I know I have to say no.

As much as it pisses me off that this person tries to get me to use it also motivates me to go forward. Why just tonight, he called and tried to get me to go out. My reply was no, you have problems with drugs and alcohol and I do not need to be around them – he immediately got all mad and said, “well you have an issue with pills”.  And I said, wow, you just cannot stand the fact I am leaving my demons can you? He hung up.

 

Posted by: addictmystory | May 18, 2012

Questions To Ponder While Detoxing and When Feeling Blah…

Does anyone else ever just pop their joints like a million times? I swear I keep popping my neck, my back, my knees, and my fingers…it is driving me nuts and I am sure I look like a freak doing it considering I am doing it at least 40 times an hour. What is still even more weird is the only thing I can still link it to is the growing distaste in my job (besides the obvious – methadone). But the methadone has been there for years and I have been decreasing for years and I have been at or near this same level for years so it has to be the job right????

I am very excited about Mondays interview. It is with a much larger company – actually the largest for my industry and it would be very fast paced. I think one thing that is really bothering me is that my current company does not pay everyone what they are worth….they have to pay grades basically. They believe that a large part of the population does not really want or strive to be better than where they really are, so they pay one group a lot less; although they are doing the same job as another group in the company who make 12 times what they make…I wanted to hit the guy when he made this statement.  They create an environment where these people are treated nice to their face but really they are not valued because this is who truly they are viewed – replaceable and or as group that does not really want to better themseleves….and this is not true. Many of them have begged me for training since joining 5 weeks ago and thanked me for the positive changes I have made in 5 weeks but over all, I can only change my area – not the entire organization. But why so much more physical pain; that really has not been this persistent in a year at least? Does my mind know something my body is unwilling to accept or vice versa???? Am I worrying about something while I am sleeping, or is it just that I am not really taking care of me??? What is it??? I really feel like it has got to be something because this pain in my body and joints is so uncomfortable – it consumes my thoughts? When I wake at night it is my first thought. When I close my eyes at night it is my last thought….this cannot be normal…Not when I am so close to the finish line….there was to be something else nagging me – bothering me.  At times I even feel extremely anxious, agitated and this is really not me at all. I am usually the most laid back person…what could it be?? What could my mind and body know that I do not know yet???

I am curious, does anyone else who is detoxing have the urge to constantly crack everything? And feel that vibrating feeling all over? The vibrating feeling for me is mostly in my arms and neck and back, but I am sure it could be anywhere…..

Thank you for your support.

Posted by: addictmystory | May 18, 2012

Quote – 5-18-12

Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use?  It’s nice to be number one, but we can fix that.  All we need to do is start the war on education.  If it’s anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we’ll all be hooked on phonics.  ~Leighann Lord

 

Posted by: addictmystory | May 18, 2012

The Harmony of Faith and Suffering 5.18.12

Last night while I was speaking to a group of teens that are in trouble with police for drugs and many other things I was asked about God – this is what I told them. All of them have been in trouble for years – all of them are on their last chance before prison would become their home if they do not turn their life around. I will continue to try to get through to them. I would love any helpful messages….All of them are confused and young. The below is a brief message of what I read and is my opinion and my feelings – It is not meant to upset any one….

Suffering, and the sin that breeds it, is a reality so great, so over powering, so menacing, that God seemed forced to resort to desperate measures to deal with it. No magic wand, no thunderous word, no angles, no  prophet, no society in the world could eliminate sin and suffering.

God’s answer…was Jesus Christ, God in human flesh. God the father send God the Son, clothed in human flesh, into the world to suffer and accept the consequences of sin.

Sin and pain seem to prevail. Babies die of cancer. Puppies ae hit on the road. We yell at our children. The power of suffering is so great. So what, in the end does the cross really mean? What good is an escape route, really, if it does not open up until the end of time? I think that answer in part is that the cross never actually promises to free us from pain and suffering, not at least in the present. The cross, in fact, the certainty of pain and suffering.

Here is the mystery: The path of Joy runs straight through the heart of pain and suffering. Christianity, alone among the world’s religions, does not run from pain and suffering but embraces it, and then and only then does it move through it. Jesus Christ is our example of faith: ” For the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2). Faith, at the very least asks us to believe this: The path to heaven runs through suffering. Through the sorrow of the world, through that certain doubt and pain, we have faith: sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see. God is Love. God is in control. God will wipe away every tear and replace it with a river of joy.

Faith carries with it movement-from what we know to what we long for, from suffering to joy, from earth to heaven. That movement, that song, is always driven and graced by the choice we make to love.

Posted by: addictmystory | May 18, 2012

Quote – 5-17-12

“There is a light that shines beyond the world, beyond everything, beyond all, beyond the highest heaven. This is the  light that shines within your heart.”
Posted by: addictmystory | May 17, 2012

Quote – 5-17-12

Always look on the bright side of things, because you can’t see a damn thing when its dark.

Posted by: addictmystory | May 17, 2012

Miss Heroin – Poem 5-17-12

Take Me in Your Arms

(Miss Heroin)

So now, little man, you’ve grown tired of grass LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash, and someone, pretending to be a true friend, said, “I’ll introduce you to Miss Heroin.”

Well honey, before you start fooling with me, just let me inform you of how it will be.

For I will seduce you and make you my slave, I’ve sent men much stronger than you to their graves. You think you could never become a disgrace, and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.

So you’ll start inhaling me one afternoon, you’ll take me into your arms very soon. And once I’ve entered deep down in your veins, The craving will nearly drive you insane.

You’ll swindle your mother and just for a buck. You’ll turn into something vile and corrupt. You’ll mug and you’ll steal for my narcotic charm, and feel contentment when I’m in your arms.

The day, when you realize the monster you’ve grown, you’ll solemnly swear to leave me alone. If you think you’ve got that mystical knack, then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.

The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots. The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot. The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains, can only be saved by my little white grains.

There’s no other way, and there’s no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked. You’ll desperately run to the pushers and then, you’ll welcome me back to your arms once again.

And you will return just as I foretold! I know that you’ll give me your body and soul. You’ll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart. And you will be mine until, “Death Do Us Part”

 

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